Can someone explain why doctors insist on weighing us with keys and wallets in our pockets?

Its Wednesday, which means its time to get some complaints off our chest with the Report.

This week, we’ll be discussing something that is a even if we all try to avoid it at all costs: going to the doctor.

No matter how healthy you are or how well you take care of yourself, you’re going to end up at some kind of doctor at some point.

And while I appreciate what they do — you know, keeping me alive — I never leave the doctor, eye doctor, or dentist without some complaints.

Though, in fairness, it’s rare I leave anywhere without some complaints.

I mean, I am the Gripe Report guy.

Youd think that scheduling a visit should be the easiest part of going to the doctor.

I thought this too until recently.

For my entire adult life to this point, making an appointment was as simple as making a phone call. Now an app has been thrown into the mix, and I wish that was the end of the problem, but it isnt.

My doctor told me to make a follow-up virtual appointment (more on those in a second), and he originally told me the ladies at the front desk would handle this by calling me.

They did not.

I wrote them a message in the app, and was told to call the office.

So, I called my doctors office, but while this is the “front desk” number, it actually goes to some call center for the wider health system. Thats usually not a problem, but for some reason it was this time when I said I needed to schedule a virtual appointment.

The lady on the phone was helpful until I said it was supposed to be a virtual appointment, because at that point she just completely froze and told me the front desk would reach out to me and do it.

I was getting so sick of this that I knew it was inevitable that the front desk would not call and Id have to do this same , which I did. 

Finally, I got it scheduled, but should scheduling what amounts to a Zoom call with your doctor — who told you to set it up — require multiple phone calls, a message in an app and me muttering swear words under my breath while on hold?

Call me crazy, but I dont think it should.

Now, while scheduling a virtual appointment is a real pain in the a–, if you can finally jump through all the hoops and solve whatever riddles they try to throw in your way, theyre great.

Im just mad no one really told me about these sooner.

Sure, I knew they existed, but for years, I had been scheduling early-morning appointments and driving across town in rush-hour traffic like an idiot.

Not one did someone say, “Hey, this couldve been handled without you having to come in, and also you dont need to change out of the shorts you slept in.”

I think they just thought it was funny to see me roll in early just so I could have the following exchange with the doctor:

Doctor: “Are the meds working for you?”

Me: “Yup, no problems.”

Doctor: “Good… see you back here in six months.”

End Scene.

I guess they started to feel bad and decided to let me in on the secret.

I know this sounds like a bit that a hacky 80s comic would do, but it still happens in the Year of our Lord 2026.

How? Just how?

When your job is to dig around in someone’s mouth while their jaw cramps up from having to hold it wide open like theyre the guy in Edvard Munchs “The Scream,” maybe its not the right time to ask the patient what their summer plans are.

I try to answer because Im not a monster, and they have to pull the little metal hook and mirror setup out of my mouth so I can say, “The wife and I are going to the beach,” and it prolongs how long I have to lie in the chair being blinded by the dentists light. 

Personally, Im not a fan of small talk anytime someone is doing work on me because I want them focused on the work. I feel that way about haircuts too.

I dont mind some small talk, but when youre poking and prodding me with metal instruments, pleas